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Radio Pilot-Tower


Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. Some of following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world.

We expressly point out that we assume no responsibility for certain expressions and this is jokes.




Two to Toulouse

Following announcement came on the gate: "This is the final boarding call for your Lufthansa flight LH 2222 to Toulouse."




Drink

Flight attendant to a passenger: "Would you like something to drink?" Passenger: "What are my choices?" Flight attendant: "Yes or No."




Children

An elementary school teacher, a lawyer, a Catholic priest and three young boys are on a plane with only three parachutes. Engines explode, plane starts going down. The teacher says: "Save the children!" The lawyer yells: "Fuck the children!" The Catholic priest looks around and whispers: "Is there time?"




Pilot drinking

A jet ran into some turbulent weather. To keep the passengers calm the flight attendants brought out the beverage carts. "I'd like a soda", said a passenger in the first row. Moving along, the attendant asked the man behind her if he would like something. "Yes", I would, he replied. "Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!"




Madonna Fan

A steward was thinking he was in a Madonna video. He was walking through the gangway and said: "Fasten your seat belts and strike the pose, fasten your seat belts and strike the pose!" The emergency instruction speech from him was like: "Emergency exits are left and right, just where your hand and feel the flight, Vogue!"




Feel like

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces: "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a women!" She removes all her clothing and asks: "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a women?" A man stand up, removes his shirt and says: "Here, iron this!"




Unpleasant person

A 50- something year old white woman arrived at her seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat. The seat was next to a black man. Disgusted, the woman immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat. The woman said: "I cannot sit her next to his black man." The flight attendant said: "Let me see if I can find another seat." After checking, the flight attendant returned and stated: "Ma'am, there are no more seats in economy, but I will check with the captain and see if there something in first class." About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated: "The captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy, but there is one in first class. It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class, but being that it would be some sort of scandal to force a person to sit next to an unpleasant person, the captain agreed to make the switch to first class." Before the women could say anything, the attendant gestured to the black man and said: "Therefore sir, if you would so kindly retrieve your personal items, we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as the captain doesn't want you to sit next to an unpleasant person." Passengers in the seats nearby began to applause while some gave a standing ovation.




Man to fly

If God had meant man to fly, he would have given him more money.




God and Pilots

What's the difference between God and pilots? God doesn't think he is a pilot.




Thank you

A passenger after landing: "Finally landed safely! Thank you Jesus!" Jesus: "I wasn't flying the damn plane. Thank your pilot."




Mealtime

A passanger was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passanger, if would like dinner. "What are my choices?" he asked. "Yes or no", she replied.




No Exit

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the closet, one is the bathroom, and one has a sign on it that says Do Not Disturb."




Who I am

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said: "I have to be on this flight and it has to be First Class." The agent replied: "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear: "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14!" With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said: "F**** You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said: "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."




Luggage goodbye

"Why is the mistletoe hanging over the baggage counter?" asked the airline passenger. The clerk replied, "It's so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."




FAA Inspector

An FAA (Federal Aviation Administration) Inspector walked into a doctor's office with a frog on his head. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" And the frog said, "Take this wart off my butt."




Luggage routing

A passenger piled his cases on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the check-in agent: "I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver and the two round ones to go to Seattle." "I'm sorry, sir, but we can't do that," said the ticket agent. "Why not? You did it the last time!"




Business trips

One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in from angry wives asking: "What trip?"




Did we land

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying XYZ airline.' He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady, walking with a cane. She said: "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am", said the pilot "what is it?" The little old lady said: "Did we land or were we shot down?"




Thanks for flying

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XY airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed. Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, "Sorry, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am, what is it?" "Did we land or were we shot down?"




Farmer and his wife

In the early 1930?s, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."




Blonde in a plane

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing 747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, “Boeing Boeing! Boeing! Boeing!" She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cockpit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "Be silent!" There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, “Oeing! Oeing! Oeing! Oeing!"




Flight instructor

A photographer for a magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," the photographer demanded, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" barked the photographer. "I'm a photographer. Photographers take pictures." Seemingly confused, the pilot retorted, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"




Parrot on the plane

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I’ll kick you." The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"




Taking Pictures

A photographer for a national news magazine was assigned to get photos of a big forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let’s go! Let’s go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you’re not my instructor?"




Flying blonde

A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I’m starting to get the hang of this." After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"




First class seat

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."




Interview

A TV journalist is interviewing a elderly former Polish pilot: Interviewer: "So Mr. Stanczewski, I understand that in 1943 you shot down five German aircraft in a single engagement. Could you tell us what happened?" Polish Pilot: "Well we were flying at 20'000 feet when we spotted five Fokkers flying along below us. So we dove down and I aimed at one of the Fokkers and fired a burst from my machine guns right into him and he exploded. Then I saw that one of the Fokkers was on my tail, so I pulled round in a loop and got behind him, and fired and he went down on fire. I looked around and saw two Fokkers attacking my squadron leader, so slipped in behind them, and fired, and that was another Fokker going down in flames. The other Fokker tried to get away from me, but I got right up behind him, and blasted him with my machine guns and he turned over and exploded. There was only one of the Fokkers left now, and he was trying to get away, but I flew up behind him, shot - bang, bang, bang - and he blew up too!" Interviewer: "I should point out for the benefit of the viewers at home, that the Fokker was a type of German aircraft used in the war." Polish Pilot: "No, no!! These fokkers were Messerschmitts!"




Short joke

Never trade luck for skill.




More planes

There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.




Aircraft is safely

How does the captain know the aircraft is safely at the ramp? Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.




Enough power

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.




Ways to leave

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aircraft."




Last words

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are, "Why is it doing that?" "Where are we?" and "Ooh Shit!"




Choices

It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the South. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me. "What are my choices?" he asked. "Yes or no," she replied.




Approaching

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"




Thunderstorm

An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping around the sky. One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him. "Can't you do something?" she demanded angrily. "I'm sorry ma'am," the reverend said gently, "I'm in sales, not management."




Redneck in flight

A Redneck was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, over-sized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin. "Do you always carry such heavy luggage?" she sighed. "No more," redneck said. "Next time, I'm riding in the bag, and my partner can buy the ticket!"




New pilot

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."




Oversize luggage

A flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage. "When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem." The flight attendant smiled, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."




Send suitcase to

A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London." The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do that." "Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"




Little airplane

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."




Just ask me

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."




Takeoff

Airplane passengers watch nervously as two men wearing pilots' uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit. The plane starts down the runway, and the passengers begin to become sore afraid as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams, but the plane lifts off just in time. The passengers think it was all a joke, while in the cockpit the pilots high-five. "You know," says one pilot to the other, "one day they're going to scream too late and we're all gonna die."




I want a drink

An airline passenger flags down a flight steward and says, "Captain, I want a drink, but I have not seen the stewardess anywhere around." The steward answers, "Actually, I am not the captain. This airline is proud to have integrated many of the traditional male-female roles of the industry. I would be happy to get you a drink." "Wow, what does the captain think of that?" "She is all for it," explains the flight steward. "In fact, the entire flight crew is female." "I don't believe it! Take me up to the cockpit so I can see for myself!" "Actually sir," coughs the steward, "we don't call it that anymore."




From a pilot

"I was in the pattern at FXE one night and I heard an aircraft taxiing out from Banyan Air Service tell the tower that he saw some debris on the taxiway. As the aircraft got closer the pilot said it looked like a pair of goggles on the taxiway. Discussion then ensued between the aircraft, the tower and the security guard in a truck being vectored to the location, about what type of goggles, Scuba, Snoopy type Flying goggles, Foggles etc. Once it was established that they were flying goggles or foggles the controller asked if any other debris was sighted and the pilot said no but he would be on the lookout for any doghouse parts or a beagle on the run."




Dis we land

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed. Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am, what is it?" "Did we land or were we shot down?"




Working for an airline

"I see that you work for the airlines. What do you do? Are you a mechanic?" "Well, no. I empty the honey buckets. I operate the equipment that removes human waste from incoming aircraft." "You must get paid plenty to do a job like that." "Are you kidding? I don't get paid jack." "Well, at least the benefits must be good." "Benefits? There aren't any. We have to buy our own medical insurance. Our retirement plan has been terminated. I only get one space-available pass per year for me and my family, and when we try to fly somewhere during my vacation, we always get bumped. The benefits stink." "So why don't you quit and get a better job somewhere else?" "What? Leave aviation?"




Cup of coffee

A plane was taking off from Kennedy airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth flight, now sit back and relax. "OH MY GOD!" Silence. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said: "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"




Baby airplanes

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time and slightly annoyed , smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "yes she did." "Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now have your Mom explain that to you."




Only three doors

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"




Female pilot

The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination." Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?" When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?" "Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female." "My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit." "That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cock pit." "It's the Box office."




Flight passes through a storm

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse; a wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then, she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare. All eyes are riveted on the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a cowboy from Baton Rouge, Louisiana stands up in the rear. He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle. As he does, he unbuttons his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps. He whispers, "Iron this....and then get me a beer."




Parrot strapped

As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke... NOW!" The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy. As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams: "Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!" Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee. Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!" The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards. Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!"




The pilot's plan

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay". He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?" "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap ....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long." Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about. Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry dear. He's gotta take a shit first."




Irate customer

For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer or have been one, this one is for you: A crowded airline flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I have to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS!" The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out. Please go to the end of the line." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the airline agent, gritted his teeth and swore, fuck you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."




Why I am a pilot

A 65 year old man went to the doctor for his Class II exam and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?" The old timer said, "I'm a helicopter pilot and that's why I'm in such good shape. I 'm up well before daylight, climb all over the helicopter doing my preflight inspection, flying all day, etc." The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 65 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 84 yrs old and, in fact, he built and flies his own airplane and he went flying with me this morning. That's why he's still alive... he's a pilot too!" The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean your dad is 84 years old and his father is still living! How old is he?" The old timer said, "Grandpa is 102 years old and he was a pilot too." The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went flying with you this morning too?" The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he just got married and he's on his honeymoon." The doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 102-year-old guy want to get married?" The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"




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