The following announcements were actually made in the cabin; 21 by the captain, 52 of the crew members and 6 by children jokes.
"Hello this is your Captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset."
On a Lufthansa flight from Frankfurt to New York, the pilot said just before landing: "Cabin crew, prepare for shopping - äh - landing."
"The weather at our destination is a cool 50 degrees with some broken clouds. We are hopeful that they'll have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you."
Smoking only allowed
Easyjet flight, announcement from the Captain: "Please remember, that smoking is only allowed in desginated, but unfortunately nonexistent smoking-zones."
Pilot: "Passengers, please fast your seat belts, we'll be experiencing some turbulence. There's a Zapdos flying about a quarter mile below us and need to catch it."
How to fly
On a Easyjet flight from London to Geneva: "Ladies and Gentlemen, we welcome you aboard, We've already been to Barcelona this morning, so I sort of know how to, umm, fly this ... thing."
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. If you look out the right side of the aircraft, you will notice flight 195 challenging us to a race. I've turned the fasten seat belt sign back on, because shit is about to get real."
According to the usual announcement in Dortmund with Easyjet, that the aircraft is pushed back on the way to the terminal on arrival: "After the engines have been switched off the aircraft will be pushed backwards into its final position by Tanja." Tanja was one of the flight attendants name.
Malaysian Airlines flight from Bangkok ti Kuala Lumpur: "Good Afternoon Ladies and Gentleman, my name is Captain James Kirk and on behalf of Malaysia Airlines I would welcome you on board of this flight. My first officer today is not Mr Spock, but Reduan Abdul Majid, and together with our wonderful crew we will show you new worlds you have never been before in service quality. So seat back and relax while we prepare for departure."
"Sorry about the delay in pushing back from the gate, but apparently they don't take American Express at the gas pumps."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
A 747 is over flying the Pacific Ocean when the pilot comes over the intercom: "Folks, we've lost an engine. No cause for alarm because we can fly safely on three. We will, however, be two hours late in reaching our destination." About an hour later the pilot comes over the intercom: "We've lost another engine. No cause for alarm because we can fly safely on two. We will, however, be four hours late in reaching our destination." About an hour later the pilot comes over the intercom: "We've lost yet another engine. Still no cause for alarm because we can fly safely on one. We will, however, be eight hours late in reaching our destination." One annoyed passenger turned to the other one seated next to him and said, "If that fourth engine quits, we'll be up here all night!"
Captain, after a bad landing: "Ladies and Gentlemen, it's happy hour. You just received two landings for the price of one."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
Best flight attendants
From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said: "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
Walk on the wings
"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land, it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew Id like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35'000 feet midway across the Atlantic. If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire." After 2 minutes. "If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. Thats me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight."
Oh my God
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine.
During the rush hour at Houston's Hobby Airport, a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. The passengers were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find a third gate had been designated for them. After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, "We apologies for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should deplane at this time." A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry", he said, "wrong plane."
"Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain welcoming you on board of Nigeria Airways. We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off, it was due to bad weather and some overtime I had to put in at the bakery. This is flight 126 to Lagos. Landing in Lagos is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in the South. If luck is in our favour, we may even be landing on your village! Nigeria Airways has an excellent safety-record. In fact our safety standards are so high that even terrorists are afraid to fly with us! It is with pleasure, I announce that starting this year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination. If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off! To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary Bongo tea and Okin biscuits! For our not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline who can Help you find out if there really is a God! We regret to inform you, that todays in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But for our movie buffs, we will be flying right next to Air Barka, where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window. There is no smoking allowed in this airplane. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down! In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little too close, do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark! Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off and fasten your set-belt. For those of you who cant find a seat-belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat and for those of you who cant find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a stewardess who will explain how to fasten yourself to your suitcase. Enjoy Nigeria Airways!"
Lights shut off
"We will shut off the lights to make it a little bit cosy for you."
With Easyjet from Prague to Dortmund: "Welcome to our tiny little home of Dortmund."
"Thank you for flying on our airline. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
"Please switch on the flight mode now - no Facebook, no Twitter, no WhatsApp inflight - talk to your neighbour, it might be interesting."
Best flight attendants
"United Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."
On a Kulula flight: "This plane has 7 emergency exits - for those of you who can't read, these are the white signs with the green word on it hanging from the ceiling."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
Our flight attendant just said: "Did anyone lose a wallet?" And while everyone was checking she said: "Now that we have your attention!" and began saying where the emergency doors were.
I know to fly
On a flight with easyjet from London to Geneva: "Ladies and Gentlemen, we welcome you aboard to Geneva. We've already been to Barcelona this morning, so I sort of know how to, umm, fly this thing."
"To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
Chicken - Eagle
Flight Attendent: "Hello, good afternoon and welcome on board of our beautiful BAE 146, looking like a chicken, but flying like an eagle." After the landing: "We landed 15 minutes ahaed of schedule. Good company."
EasyJet flight to Berlin: "Ladies and gentleman, welcome to this easyJet flight to Las Vegas. No, of course, Berlin. Just testing. Now that I have your attention we would like to familiarise you with our safety instructions."
Flight in the USA: "All mobile phones, BlackBerrys, Cranberrys, Strawberrys and any kind of Berrys has to be switched off at this moment. All equipment with batteries has to be turned off now, but ensure that your pacemaker is still working."
"This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
Flight Attendant with United Airlines after the landing: "And that was another smooth landing by our awesome pilots. They're the best we have and apparently, they deserve their jobs. So help them to keep their workstation by choosing United again for your next flight."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Reached the gate
During the taxiway to the terminal, the passengers were already standing, with the head in the direction of the aircraft front. The announcement from the stewardess: "Ladies and Gentlemen. For safety reasons, please remain seated during taxi. Bye the way. In over 100 years of aviation, it never happened that a passenger reached the gate prior to the landing aircraft. Secondly, we will have the stairs at your rear end."
On a Kulula flight: "Oh, how I love these life-jacket announcements on such a flight which will be at least 500 miles away from any coast - anyway folks - pay close attention: These life jackets will help you a lot if we hit a mountain. And if anybody of you wishes to get rid of your mother-in-law then tell her to inflate the life jacket inside the airplane, choose yourself another exit and watch from outside as she fails to get through her door."
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces: "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks: "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says: "Here, iron this!"
Pan Am vs. TWA
Flight Attendant greeting people at the exit: "We hope you enjoyed your flight with Pan Am today. If not, thank you for flying TWA."
Like to have
"Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything behind, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
"Please use the lavatory in your section. The ones in first class aren't any different, except for a little linen fold that I can never seem to get right anyway."
Place to smoke
"The only place to smoke on today's flight is out on the wing. Please step through, right foot first, and follow the arrows. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses. Thank you."
"Hello, and welcome aboard Alaska Airlines flight 498 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening."
"In the unlikely event of a water-landing, you will find a sexy yellow life-jacket under your seat, now being modeled by the flight attendants. The life-jacket is also equipped with a light, so you can read while waiting to be rescued."
"In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer, it makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out now and play with it."
Good news - bad News
After a delay in taking off: "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that the machine that rips the handles off luggage is broken. [cheers, laughter] The bad news is that our departure will be temporarily delayed while they fix it."
"Now please take a moment to make sure that your seat belts are fastened low and tight around your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it is a pulley thing, not a pushy thing like your car because you are in an airplane."
"Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger ever beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't try. Please be careful opening the overhead bins because, quite frankly, Shift Happens. Thank you again for choosing Alaska Air."
Male Flight Attendant: "Ladies and gentlemen, we aren't anticipating a full flight, so at this time please look around, and if you don't like the looks of the person sitting next to you, feel free to move to another seat in the cabin. Or, if you see someone you would rather be sitting next to, for example, the blonde in row 10, this would be a good time to do so."
"There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume that you're on fire and put you out. This is a free service that we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one on the outside of each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight, hold on, let me check and see what it is. Oh here it is, the movie tonight is 'Gone with the Wind'."
"In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it is going to get really dark, really fast. If you are afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please do not press the orange button (attendant) unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat's ejection button. Just kidding. We are glad to have you on board with us today, and thank you for choosing Alaska Airlines."
A flight attendant on a United Air Lines cross-country flight nervously announced: about 30 minutes outbound from LA, "I dont know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners." When the passengers muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight." Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!"
Loss cabin pressure
"In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things (oxygen masks) will drop down above your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendants are showing you now. The bag will not inflate, but there is oxygen there, I promise. If you're sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put your mask on first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first, then work your way down."
A young flight attendant, fresh out of training, did not realize that La Guardia and New York were the same place. While the plane was in line awaiting clearance to taxi to the runway, a passenger asked her what time would they be landing in New York, at which point the flight attendant exclaimed, "Oh my god, you're on the wrong plane!" The captain was immediately informed of a misloaded passenger and, without knowing anything further, requested permision to taxi back to the terminal. He instructed the attendant to make an announcement in case other people had also boarded by mistake. "Ladies and gentlemen," she began, "If you are traveling to New York, we regret to inform you this plane is headed to La Guardia."
"We'd now like to tell you about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is, the flight attendants. Please look at one now. There are five exits aboard this plane: two at the front, two over the wings, and one out of the plane's rear. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please don't store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you will be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows."
50 ways to leave
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight, if you must smoke, please contact a member of the flight crew and they will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
Acting like children
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
Must clean it
"As you exit the plane, please be sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses. Last one off the plane must clean it."
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at United Aielines."
Opening the overhead
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that. I'm sure that everything has shifted."
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said: "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault it was the asphalt!"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with: "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silent, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Fasten seat belts
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom: "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
TravelJokes.net - Humor, Scherze und Witze rund ums Reisen
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